It is so hurtful to the children when you divide them and look at them in levels. I was on the receiving end of negativity on my fathers side. He remarried this woman who I used to adore! She was nice and charming and had this daughter who soon became one of my best friends. I would come home to my mothers house and tell her all of the wonderful things she did with us and the great times we had having family dinners and family outings and playing board games. Soon the division started...
her daughter (who I never disliked through this we remained friends outside of their house) became obviously favored in that house. She lived there half the time and my brother and I were there every other weekend. My dad isn't one to start things or say that we should go out to the park or the movies or spend time together, he is a nice guy too and relies on other people to tell him what he wants to do. I think it rubbed off a little on me.
Christmas was always hard on me as a child, the presents were very obviously piled higher for one child. (by the way my sister is only 1 month older than I am) It really wasn't about the fact that I received less it was the obvious favoritism towards her. During the weekends I was there i would love spending time with my sis, her mother would get jealous and send me to my room to play away from her while she spent "mother daughter" time with her. She did get her other days too. This happened most weekends. I felt very alone in that house yet to try to bond more with my dad I moved in for a school year, BIG MISTAKE! It got worse and worse even though the excuse that she is there "half of the time" was no longer there the same things kept going on. I felt very ignored, my father (i believe escaping from life) watched a lot of TV and was very distant from me.
EVERY thing i did seamed to be wrong so i avoided things even more. One day i couldnt get a hold of anyone to pick me up from school not knowing it was a half day on Wednesdays and walked home, I knew the combo to the garage so i was able to get into the house (we lived less then 1/2 a mile from the school and other kids were walking too) I got in huge trouble because someone could have kidnapped me (i am 13 at the time) and i could have been killed. 2 DAYS later my step mom told me it would be easier if from then on I could walk to and from school. WOW! I still haven't gotten over the irony of it.
I decided to move out of that house the end of the school year and after that my father and I went about 3 years barely talking, I hardly went over to their house anymore maybe once every couple of months to see my sister who was born when I was 10 from my step mom and dad. The reason for this was because they said that I was no longer welcome in that house! It was the saddest thing to hear as a 13 year old girl.
Another Christmas I do not remember what year I went to my step mom's families Christmas party and my step sister did not go with us. When we were opening present guess who had NONE in front of her "I did not know you were coming" was the excuse yet my sister had many sitting waiting for her, y biological brother received a few (a fifty dollar mall gift card and some clothes) I sat there pretending to feel included in the family.
My mothers family did the whole blending thing PERFECTLY! They included my step brother and sister with open arms (after they got used to the fact my mom remarried lol they loved my dad) Christmas is always fun and warm and we all feel like a family! Everyone was included the the annual grandchildren Christmas party my grandmother throws! Everyone is open and talks and laughs and eats. We feel together. I just wish i could feel like that with my father.
I have tried several times to tell them how I felt growing up and how unincluded and alone I felt and they just don't understand! I am sorry big venting blog here! but there is much more to type on the matter but if you have a blended family make all of the children equal and included. Set time apart to get to know your step children and let your family know how much they mean to you and that they are your family! The people and things your spouse cares about are things and people you care about! They are human beings with emotions and lives that will live on past the time they are with you but the way your family is shapes them and their futures! I have a feeling a few more blogs like this will be to come! Sorry if it is irrelevant to you, but if not please listen, think about the hearts of those children and how you would feel in that situation, how alone it already is as a child and how you can make the awkward stages go by so much easier. You don't want to push your spouses children away from their mother or father! It isn't right or fare!
Thank you
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